Wednesday, July 20, 2005

 

DaFoe Wants To Destroy Your Marriage!

Oooh, what a deliciously failurific headline, Fail Watchers! Does DaFoe really want to destroy your marriage? Will your happy union be DaFoiled? Are you ready for DaBlows to zap at your wedding vows with his laser-eyes (think Cyclops from The X-Men)?

I'll let you know in just a moment. But first, the best of the Failure DaFoetry! At our Failure Watch Conference, we wrote Shakesperean sonnets expressing our need to watch Jiggly Jillem DaFoe fail. All three of them were good, but this one is the best:


==================

Through My Binoculars
By Edwardo Giambra

Watching from a van outside his home
Binoculars are sweaty in my hands
He's taking out the trash and he's alone
It's time to dive into my won'drous plans
Next to me, I grab my leaden pipe
Which sparkles like the eyes of fair Athena
I run outside the van, and take a swipe
"Come back here now, Dafoe! I'm gonna beat-ya!"
All I can do is dream of how I'd spy, though
Cause he lives in New York, and I, Ohio

===========================

Now, for a breaking news item: DaFoe wants to watch your marriage burn and die. No, not Willem, but another equally sinister DaFoe -- Barbara DaFoe Whitehead, a "a social historian and [author]." She's one of many newly discovered DaFoe's spreading failure across America, but her preffered method is to forget all about marriage, divorce rates, and all that old fashioned "hull-a-baloo" (though she doesn't say "hull-a-baloo" in the article, the quote is what she's probably thinking) and instead concentrate our energies on to fix problems with "cohabitation".

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-07-18-cohabit-divorce_x.htm

Is this relative of Slick Willem -- in name, spirit, and possibly blood... devil's blood! -- going to ruin marriage by ignoring its problems?

Yes. Thanks a lot, you stupid bitch!

Friday, July 15, 2005

 

DaFoe Fails...At Ending My Life!


Greetings, fellow fail watchers. I'm dictating this entry to a nurse from the saftey of my hospital bed, which, for all intents and purposes, will remain an undisclosed location. Needless to say, I have strong evidence that Willem DaFoe has tried to kill me.

And failed at it!

[Nurses note: at this point, the patient has entered an uncontrollable fit of coughing. Patient is also muttering phrases like, "Cameo in Spider Man 2" - up patient morphine dosage? Will observe further.]

Sorry about that, I was thinking quietly for a moment. Regardless, my "The Foe" invoked illness, which the doctors mistakenly continue to refer to as food poisoning, will not keep me from blogging!

I have reserved the local recreational center this Saturday for the first of what I hope will be an annual event - "The Willem Dafoe Failure Watch Festival of Awareness." Clevelanders and Clevelandites from all walks of life (be they Muslim or elderly, tall or Jewish) are invited to sample my aunts famous canolis, take a chartruse "Anti-DaFoe" ribbon and sign up for my new series of "Willem Workshops"!

[Nurses note: at this point, the patient has handed me a small list...it's written on the back of an IHOP placemat, written in what I can only assume are the crayons given to you for dining at IHOP. I gaze at my patient, this poor, poor man, and wonder at why the religious right still refuses to support euthanasia.]

Workshop 101: Willem DaFoe Escape Scenarios.

When threatened with exposure to the real life Willem DaFoe, your first choice should always be to run away. Willem DaFoe emits a powerful two foot failure radius - you don't want to get caught inside that bubble, or worse, infect your wife and child later that evening. This workshop teaches you common methods of escape, such as distracting "The Foe" with reminders of his work in XXX: State of the Union, or Speed 2: Cruise Control.

Workshop 201: Willem DaFoe Fight Parameters.

If backed into a walled off alleyway by DaFoe or, worse, trapped at a dinner party with him, fighting becomes your only option. Though his physical presence and sheer body of work may be intimidating, remember: this man knows nothing but failure.

Pick up a pool cue - he'll all most certianly fail to dodge it. See a handy brick - his skull will likley fail to withstand its impact! Again, I remind you, the techniques taught to you in this class are to be used when personally threatened by DaFoe only, do not go looking for a fight with this man. I have spotty evidence that he's a cold blooded killer.

Workshop 301: Willem Dafoe Poetry Circle.

This workshop will teach you the ins and outs of the classic Shakesperian sonnet, so as to better express your feelings towards Willem DaFool's impending failures.

Next week: the results of my students poetry!

Friday, July 08, 2005

 

For A Special Occasion!


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

 

Plame Outed As Spy, DaFoe Outed As Jerk

Wherever there is tragedy, guess what you'll always find? Long faces? Broken dreams? Willem DaFoe? The answer is "yes" to all three, and also dead bodies.

A secret spy career was crushed for Agent Valerie Plame, when her name and identity were leaked to papers:

http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/archives/11193

And guess who was partying with her at the Tribeca Film Festival? Long faces? Broken dreams? Willem DaFoe? The answer is "yes" to all three, and also David Bowie.

Willem DaFoe is apparently like a cancer, feeding off the failure and misfortune of others. That's what keeps his icy cold body going in the morning, we can only assume. Well, Chilly Willy, how would you like a taste of your own medicine? (Note: This is not a rhetorical question. I would actually like to know whether or not you'd like a taste of your own medicine. Please email me at faildafoe@gmail.com with an answer, and I'll give you valuable desktop wallpaper)

Watch for it: the biggest failure of them all is coming... (!)

Thursday, June 30, 2005

 

Failure Watchers Want Answers, Congressman!

It has been more than two weeks since I sent a now historic e-mail to Congressman Berman, offering to combine our respective powers and get a handle on the DaFoe Success Dilemma (DSD). On June 23rd, I received the following e-mail from his office:

Rep. Howard L. Berman
Jun 23 (7 days ago)
Thank you for your message to Congressman Howard Berman. To ensure delivery, if you did not include your name and address in the email, please resend the message with this information. Congressman Berman will get back to you shortly. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.


Well, Howie, I did include my name, I did include my e-mail, and I didn't resend the message, because unlike most idiots, I sent it to you at the beginning.

Ah, the beginning -- that's when things looked great between us, Howard. But time has caused our relationship to mold and fester, like TV's Uncle Fester. It's been a week since your first letter, Congressman, and the silence has become deafening, like a high pitched noise emitted by a top secret Army device that destroys the enemies ear drums with a targeted sound blast. It's exactly like that, Howard! But guess what? I'm wearing ear muffs. Special ear muffs. And now you're going to jail!

Fail Jail.

Congressman, you have 24 hours to respond. Otherwise, so help me god, you will be failure watched!!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

 

DaFoe Will 'Encyclopedia Frown' At This!

You think the War of the Worlds is a movie? No, Fail Watchers! My blog is the War of the Worlds! I am the human president / Tom Cruise, the Fail Watchers are the American people and important minor characters, and the aliens are Willem DaBlows and various internet sites.

As you know, the internet is being divided between Fail Watchers and DaFoe succeedists at an alarming rate -- succeedists like Petition Online (Petition On-Whine!) and Google (Boo!-gle). But we have a new ally in the fight to watch the failure of the enemy: Wikipedia!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willem_Dafoe#External_links

It seems like Willem DaFoe's precious encyclopedia entry has been ravaged sexually by a link to our home base. See the bottom of the page for our De-flowering of his De-Wikipedia entry, which De-scribes (that one works well) his soon-to-be-failure-ridden life!

We are literally changing history, Fail Watchers. Soon we will be able to sit back, and let the De-robots fight our battles for us (I just saw I, Robot, and it gave me good ideas). However, for now, we must watch more vigilantly than ever.

BTW: I had a dream about DaFoe last night. Dreams are no longer safe!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

 

A Letter To Congressman Howard Berman, 28th District, California:

This is the first draft of an important letter I'm writing. Please comment, Fail Watchers, and let me know how grateful you are to me for writing this. Any other positive feedback would be appreciated/appropriate.

-Anti_Barillo

============

Dear Congressman Berman,

I represent an influential and growing group of citizens known as the "Willem DaFoe Failure Watch" - our mission is simple, to catch actor Willem DaFoe in the act of failing, either professionally or personally, then laugh. Laughter is key!

As everybody knows, you've recently been appointed Chief Liaison between the House Democratic Caucus and the entertainment industry. Allow me to be the first to say: well done! I'm sure you will use the power of your new position wisely, and do your country proud, by opening up hearings on why the US government has allowed Willem "The Foe" DaFoe to succeed. Is he using performance enhancing drugs, which enhanced his performance in Mississippi Burning so he could compare to the legendary Gene Hackman? Are the Chinese involved? YOU are the only one who can find out!

As a public service to all Americans, please allow me access to the nation's public alert systems, so I can easily update everyone with a minute by minute accounting of the failures of Willem DaBlows! I should be able to interrupt all television and radio broadcasts the very second Willy is at a KFC and forgets his credit card, forcing him to use his debit card, thereby incurring a hefty 99 cent transaction fee! America needs to know!

I would like an office next to your office. I could run your Department of Failure (DaFoe Division), or perhaps your Department of Water and Power (DaFoe's House Division). There are a lot of votes out there for a man, a handsome man such as yourself, who could guarantee that the gas tank to Willem DaFoe's Sentra were filled with sugar every morning! (At least 5!)

Finally: please give me money. Whatever money you have on you will be fine. I have recently been fired from my management position at "Knick Knack", a gift shop in the greater Cleveland area, for spending fifteen percent of our merchandise budget on the development of a talking Willem DaFoe failure doll. I'm sure you'll agree, it's sayings were hilariously true! :

"My name is DaFoe, but please say "DaNo!", to me."

"I enjoy the occasional apple, as long as it's cut into sections and covered in failure!"

"Throw me in the fire!"

"I deserve to be thrown in the fire!"

"Put this doll, that you're holding, right in the fireplace!"

I still don't understand why I was terminated from my position. Could the Chinese be involved? Please form a subcommittee and find out!

You can contact me at faildafoe@gmail.com. To sweeten the deal, I'll give you valuable desktop wallpaper, which you know you want. Looking forward to hearing from you!

Be Well,
Anti Barillo

 

Have A 'Vice' Day, Failure!

Once Hollywood's "golden boy" actor, able to do no wrong in the eyes of everyone who isn't me, Willem "DaJerk" DaFoe's star is falling, fellow Fail Watchers. Is it due to my efforts, or perhaps the efforts of the Failure Watch street team, which has a powerful influence in the greater Cleveland area? (Not Cleveland itself, but definitely in Parma, Beachwood, and Garfield Heights) Well, I can't say for sure (yes), but evidence of a catastrophic DaFailure is just around the bend! Read:

http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=peopleNews&storyID=8822995

Willy just signed on to be in two new movies. "Isn't that good," you say. "Well," I say, "you're absolutely fucking wrong, and let me tell you why." The first movie "Willy Vanilly" has signed onto is called American Dreamz [sic], and he'll "star" alongside acting heavyweight Mandy Moore and Hugh "Very Popular Ten Years Ago" Grant.

Still think The Foe is on top of his game? Consider this: he plays... the Vice President. What's the matter, Foe-boy? Did Mandy beat you to the role of Commander In Chief? Is the president going to be played by the girl who sang the song about liking candy, because you're not man enough to take charge? Are you a woman, Willem DaFoe? That's what I'm asking you: are you a woman? Email me at faildafoe@gmail.com and let me know, one way or the other. Fail Watchers the world over need a definitive answer of this: are you a woman? You can reply with a "y" or "n," if you're too busy failing, or potentially failing.

The other movie he's in is a Spike Lee film, and I don't get his movies. What kind of a name is Mookie? I don't know anyone named Mookie. Do you? I don't. That'll probably fail, as well.

DaFailury is spreading quickly, friends! Yahoo, now the official search engine of watching for DaFoe's next goof-up, suggests that you should search for "Willem DaFoe Failure Watch" when you're searching for "Willem DaFoe."

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=Willem+Dafoe&sm=Yahoo%21+Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1

Thank you, Yahoo! You guys beat the suspected DaFoe succeedists at Google, who refuse to even list our important blog!

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=%22Willem+DaFoe+Failure+Watch%22&btnG=Google+Search

More like "Douche-le," if you ask me. Which you did.

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